There are those specific times that I would just be so angry at myself or someone and I can’t really help it. And I would just laugh along or kind of pretend we are all good and all but inside am all burning with some negative feeling I can’t really put my finger on.
Y’all know completely different faces that I portray depending on who you are,but am not sure I have ever actually portrayed who I really am. Am not even sure I know who I am. Am afraid of whoever I am,because all the pent up energy I keep in me is super scary.
I know you are lost already,lemme try help you figure my shit out that I haven’t really figured out myself. I see the whole in a totally weird n personalised perspective, you may call it selfish, and maybe that’s what it is .
We all do have friends and seeing them happy is usually quite fulfilling for most of us,am not sure that is my case. I don’t know how to explain it,okay,I do get thrilled when you people do well but I hate it when I start to feel like its a competition.
I hate feeling like am competing for anything. I would rather get away or quit the whatever is being competed for.
I have this friend,let’s label him or her “Orchie”. Orchid is quite close,,,but then I am always insecure when it comes to Orchie, I feel like Orchie would charm whoever and again I would be the third party. No lie,Orchie’s energy has always been charming and I can’t really blame her/him. On the other hand,my energy is kind of depends on my mood. If I were to pick between the two of us,it would definitely be her. You get me now.
So,it has happened a number of times,and I have become the third parties to everyone mutual. At times I get angry at Orchie,but then,its not entirely his/her fault.
Another case is,I start a project, and some friend decides to work on the project,so I sort of quit it,since again,I hate competing with someone ,especially if we close .I start another and , guess what, he catches up,😂😂am I over thinking it?
I still haven’t figured out whatever those feelings are,I just know I hate them,and I hate myself for having them. Is this what you people call human nature or… Am just toxic😂😂😂help a sis out