We have always had to deal with a person or more that had left us feeling drenched and worn out. They have us having this notion of “its not them ,its us”. There is this person that has had us bending over ourselves to please them. They have us questioning our “oversensitivity”,”over reactivity” and tendency to misinterpret.
And if you are always on the hurting end,the one always receiving the negative impact ,then its not you,its definitely them. This person is totally toxic to you.
A toxic person is anyone abusive,unsupportive and emotionally manipulative. They bring you down more than up. You may even begin to feel solely dependent on their opinions other than your own,because you doubt yours .This person could be a friend ,family or a lover. The toxic person could be having an underlying mental disorder,for instance bipolar…or the person could just be self centered,egotistical,mean,manipulative,selfish and calculating.
Some times the individual is deeply wounded emotionally and cant take responsibility for their wounding,feelings and needs. Knowing these signs would help you be alert to avoid tying yourself in double knots of pleasing someone.
Signs of a toxic person.
They would keep you guessing on what version of them you would be seeing . Today ,they would be all nice and sweet,then the next moment you are wondering what you did wrong to them. In most cases,there is no obvious reason for their crankiness and if you ask ,you will get a “nothing”,but they would give you just enough to know something ain’t right. It could be a cold shoulder or a heaving sigh .
At this point,you will get yourself making excuses for them, or trying everything to please them. Toxic people have it already figured out that people that love them would go across the earth to please them,so if your efforts don’t seem to be bearing fruits,then its time you stop.
They will manipulate. Toxic people send a vibe that you own them something. If its a relationship and you are feeling like you are the only making an effort,then you probably are. These people also have a way of retrieving something from you or doing something hurtful to you with the allegations of doing it all for you.
They project their feelings and emotions onto you instead of owning them. For instance when angry ,would suggest that you are the one angry at them. Then you would be going around in circles trying to defend yourself because its not about you. If you feel like you are defending and justifying yourself against accusations that don’t lie with you,chances are,you are being projected onto. You don’t have to deal with that.
They would leave a conversation unfinished then go offline. At times wouldn’t even pick calls .They would keep you second guessing on what you did wrong. You would be punishing yourself mentally and blaming yourself.
They keep score of grudges. You see that one time you did or didn’t do something you were supposed to. They will keep replaying it and use it against you(as an evidence of your shortcomings ). They will never acknowledge your growth because it makes them feel powerless.You will never win such arguments and you really don’t have to buy into those arguments.
A toxic person would make it all about how you are saying it than what you actually are saying. You will succumb to defending your tone,gestures,choice of words and whatever you were saying gets forgotten in a huge pile of incomplete conversation growing each day.
They never APOLOGISE!!! This point completely throws me into the line of a toxic person because me and apologising its a no no no..shoot me dead if you must …am not. I would lie,twist a story,throw a tantrum till you ,the one that loves me so much decides to take it upon you to apologise so we can actually move on .You really don’t have to apologise,am toxic!!!,so baby,if I cant apologise for my mistake you are better off without me. You don’t have to surrender your truth to pamper my ego. Some people would do anything to be right and I bet you got better things to do than provide fodder for right fighters.
They will make you have to prove yourself to them. Are you familiar with the phrase,if you really, loved me ,you would ….A toxic person would place you in a position where you will have to choose between them and something else and you will feel obligated to pick them. They would literally wait for an important occasion then start drama.
Toxic people monopolise your time and if you get that you are spending all your time with them and spending little or no with family and friends,that’s totally unhealthy and toxic. They would make you rely on them more than you should and hence become more vulnerable to them.
They give backhanded compliments;something between a compliment and an insult. This type of compliments would leave you puzzled and confused,wondering what they actually meant by that and what you feel in relation to that. Their compliments have to be a little negative about it. For instance,”you look so good in that outfit for your weight.”
They are self absorbed .You wont notice this until its a while. They don’t ask you about your life,instead they reach out only when they want to celebrate something that happened to them or complain about it.
What to do with toxic relationships
Tell the person what you feel in an assertive way. Use “I” statements and explain why you are sharing what you feel and need is because you care about them and you want to maintain a healthy relationship
Set and maintain boundaries.
Focus on taking care of yourself
Find ways to protect yourself from their unhealthy behaviours.
If the person’s toxic behaviour doesn’t change,then move on with your life. It might be painful especially if you have had a long history but you will be creating space for healthier and more meaningful relationships.
You might be the toxic one to others and these would possibly be your characteristics
You don’t apologise nor admit your wrong doing instead you make yourself the victim.
Your moods are volatile and you use your unpredictable moods to keep the other in check. Since your partner knows you will get angry easily,they will be extra careful with you .if by any chance you get triggered they allow you step on them and hence you get back your power.
People feel worse about themselves after being around you. They tend to avoid you and make excuses each time you invite them over .Some may even disappear wholly from your life
You are highly critical and think you are superior to others. You find it difficult to accept people as they are and criticize them for what you see as their faults.
You are controlling and emotionally manipulative. This ties in with your superiority complex and the feeling that you know whats best for everyone. You even use emotional blackmail to gt your pawns do as per your wishes.
You seek to blame everyone else for anything not going as you planned. Since you think you always are right,you will blame something wrong on someone else or simply on the notion that the universe is against you. Some of those you blame would actually take it seriously and begin doubting themselves and hence you would have created a sense of self doubt in them.
You take advantage of people’s kindness and take it as a way of self gain. You don’t even appreciate the kindness you are shown. This creates a sense of scarcity and the need to hoard peoples kindness.
You hold grudges. When someone does you wrong you don’t let them off the hook in years .You keep referring to it and guilt tripping them every little chance you get. You will keep making it known to them that you haven’t forgotten and one way or another you would have them pay for whatever they did.
You turn every little disagreement personal. You won’t heesitate singling out things that would hurt them emotionally hence when all said and done ,you would have blame them for reacting the way you did.
You neverrrrr compromise. You must get your own way and needs or else the other person’s like would be rendered miserable onwards. Your needs and wants must be fend and if your partner gets hurt in the process,you really don’t care.
You threaten repercussions on whoever doesn’t do as you wish. Mostly emotional threats that you know are prone to produce a desired effects on someone and they would fall back in line. The threats could be somewhere between self harm,withdrawing the sex,or ending the relationship .
You cant be trusted to keep a secret since you would open up as soon as you feel you can use it as your leverage,like gaining favour from a third party or something.
If you feel as toxic as i feel right now,you still can rectify this toxic behaviour. You should understand that its not the “YOU” that is toxic,its the actions and words you use and it can be rectified by changing the attitude and dealing with what makes you toxic firsthand.
Recognize the toxic behaviours you exhibit and address them. You would also need to come to terms with the fact that life ain’t a zero-sum activity,where someone has to lose for you to win.Actually its the opposite, working together to ensure the growth of everyone